Alone Until Eternity

It's been a year since I wrote my first post. I am relieved to look back at the post and see how far I have come. I'm healing. I still hate being alone. I still hate that I have to do this alone. But, I can say those things without the bitterness that I hear in my previous post. I was blessed this year with a wonderful friend who took time out of his busy family life to give my girls back-to-school blessings. He took time to remember that I don't have anyone to give those. He took time to ask the girls what they were concerned with and what types of blessings they might want from Heavenly Father. So much is still the same as last year, but so much has changed as well. Thankfully, it stings just a little bit less this year.

You have made me realize that hope does exist. You have made me feel again. Just the glimmer of future has appeared. I realize that it might not be with you, but I am certainly open and excited that it might include you. I have been given the gift of feeling joy. I truly look forward to the chance for companionship. For someone to care for me. To want to spend time with me. To want to see the world with me and explore new things. To help me learn that I can enjoy still being alive. To continue to encourage hope. To help me dream. To help me live. And love.

I decided to make a list of what really mattered for my kids as we approached back to school time. Here's my list: * Kid has clothes on * Kid makes it to school * Kid has money available on their lunch account Things that I do not expect: * Kid has backpack * Kid has homework completed (or in backpack) * Kid has hair brushed #notjoking

Favorite Quote of the day: "Grieving is a process we go through that helps us let go of hopes and dreams we no longer have. It's a process that helps us obtain new hopes and dreams." -Kent Allen #WWConference2018

The Sister Missionaries visited with us last week and were testifying that Heavenly Father can help us with the every day trials. My response to them - to hopefully convince them to change the subject - was that I wish I had every day trials again. They continued to testify of every day trials and I had to shut them down. I don't care that He can help with every day trials. My life doesn't fit in that box anymore. Testify of Him being able to help us through colossal trials - ones where there is NO light at the end - only death - and that isn't coming fast enough. Yes, I want to die. But NO - I won't be making that happen. Yes - I'm not making great life choices but when someone jokes about such and such killing me... it's not really an incentive to stop. I'm miserable and lonely.

Today I was helping R read a poem from her poetry notebook. As we were sounding out the word "now", I was brought back to teaching E how to sound out that word (not too many years ago). I taught the "ow" sound by playfully pinching her as a hands-on way to remember what that combo of letters said. I repeated the same with R and smiled - but inside, I was dying a bit more remembering E's laugh was gone.

I should not have to do this alone. I should not have to send 2 girls back to school in the morning instead of 3. Back to school time used to be fun. It's terrifying. Seeing all of the school supplies E used to beg me for at the store and knowing that now it's too late to give in and get them for her. She doesn't have a locker to decorate this year. No 5th grader this year. Only kids at 2 schools. Just me. Just me to make sure the girls make it on the bus, have a lunch made, have all their supplies and papers signed. Just me. I don't want to do this. I don't want them to have a school year where their dad isn't here to help them, help me. I don't want to.