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EMDR Trauma Retreat: Day 3

Day 3 began much like the others, so nothing special to note. We jumped right into processing some more early-ish childhood memories. I was surprised where the memories took me. For example, I was processing losing my maternal grandfather around age 5 and that memory linked to losing my dad and then eventually linked up to losing Kevin and Emily. 

Once the memories got into losing Kevin and Emily, my mind was kind enough to throw up some walls and run away. We spent some time talking about why this is likely happening and I agreed to try to not let my mind do that again. (Note: This has been a major way that I have been coping with the loss - compartmentalizing, avoiding, etc and it's time to address these coping skills and overcome them). 

We took a break for lunch and I took a short nap to rest my brain. Then, we dove back in. I got a reprieve from dealing with Kevin and Emily indirectly. For a little while. 

We decided to tackle one last one that seemed easy enough, and it was. Until my mind took me into the present - dealing with my kids. My brain followed along and lost it. Not all my kids were still here for me to feel this way about. The floodgates opened and I was crying. My heart started to hurt and not just in the sense that it had during processing. It felt like it was being ripped into pieces. Which it is. I tried to let myself continue but I was exhausted and walled back up. I was in physical and emotional pain. 


See - I've never dealt with the loss of my daughter. I've been unwilling to really accept that she's gone. I logically know this.  I hosted several viewings and had 2 funerals. I buried her. I've moved forward every day even though all I really want to do is just stay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and cry. I've moved forward because I've had other children who needed me. I've never been able to stop and be in a safe place and feel like if I started to cry, the world would still continue to exist. 

We safely stowed all of my open and unprocessed "items" in my resource known as Container (see Day 1) and I went to my safe place also known as a Calm or Happy Place (see Day 1). I was eventually able to calm down and fully be present again. 

Today I needed to run to Target to pick up some medication that had been refilled. No big deal. Right? Not with that. Nope. But one of my triggers is ambulances, firetrucks, and flashing lights. Guess what came barging into Target while I was there? You guessed it... I survived and breathed and made it back to my hotel. 

I'm eating Cheesecake Factory leftovers from the other night for dinner tonight. I went out last night. I've had enough excitement today. Here are 2 videos. One is another general overview of EMDR and the other is a demonstration of Calm Safe Place & Container. Until Tomorrow!




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