Trauma and Coping

So it has been just a little while since I've written over here... But it's time to update a few things and share about what's coming up in my life. I have always been an over achiever and I have a been diagnosed with severe PTSD. For many of you that know my story, this probably doesn't surprise or shock you. PTSD is serious. 

What might come as a shock is that I have never dealt with my grief of losing half my family. I was never able to react the night the crash happened. I was handed my youngest daughter, who had just survived the double-fatal crash, and then I watched as the first responders did their jobs to try to save my family. It's been 4 1/2 years and everything that happened that fateful night is just packed away in the back of my brain. I can talk about that night and recount the crash in a flat, emotionless tone now. 

But I realized that somewhere in the last 2 years or so, I stopped talking about my daughter who was killed that night, Emily. Sure, I'll share a picture if FaceBook brings it up, but I don't bring her up. I don't share stories about her. I don't talk about her to people who knew her or people who should have gotten to know her. It became too painful somewhere in the past, so I started avoiding talking about her and remembering her. 

Thankfully I have some amazing friends who have never stopped being there for me and help me remember. I have other friends who have helped me recognize when it was time for me to search for more help. I'm finally embarking on my journey to get help in these next 2 weeks and I'm hoping to share my journey in healing.  I've chosen to do an Intensive EMDR program. Here's a little bit of information:

In preparing to leave for my therapy, a P!nk song kept getting stuck in my head, so I'll share it here. Enjoy!

P!NK 

But We Lost It 

Lyrics

They say everything is temporary
Who the hell are they anyways
I wanna know where does love go to die
Is it some sad empty castle in the sky
Did we just shoot too high and spoil like wine?

You walked by, and it's like our bodies never touch
No love, you hold me close, but I don't feel much
I cry, maybe time isn't on our side
We have a thing but we lost it
One more go, I kinda thought if we took it slow
It might be easier for us, yeah for us to know
I know we never been quite here before
I wish I knew it when we lost it

You used to try to wake the beast in me
There's still a very sleepy part of me inside
I have been waiting to come alive
You stared into my eyes and turned to stone
And now I'm living all alone
In this four walls

There's a stranger, he's lying in my bed
Kinda blank like the thoughts living in my head
This is the one that I felt I knew so well
I think we had it but we lost it
I'm still the girl that you chased all around the world
I haven't changed, I've just replaced all the chains with pearls
I want the same thing we did back then
I know we had it but we lost it

Oh, the bone breaks
It grows back stronger
Oh, the bone breaks
It grows back stronger
The bone breaks
It grows back stronger
Oh, the bone breaks

You walked by, and it's like our bodies never touch
No love, you hold me close, but I don't feel much
I cry, maybe time isn't on our side
We have a thing but we lost it
One more go, I kinda thought if we took it slow
It might be easier for us, yeah for us to know
I know we never been quite here before
I wish I knew it when we lost it
Yeah, I wish I knew it when we lost it