Alone Until Eternity

I decided to make a list of what really mattered for my kids as we approached back to school time. Here's my list: * Kid has clothes on * Kid makes it to school * Kid has money available on their lunch account Things that I do not expect: * Kid has backpack * Kid has homework completed (or in backpack) * Kid has hair brushed #notjoking

Favorite Quote of the day: "Grieving is a process we go through that helps us let go of hopes and dreams we no longer have. It's a process that helps us obtain new hopes and dreams." -Kent Allen #WWConference2018

The Sister Missionaries visited with us last week and were testifying that Heavenly Father can help us with the every day trials. My response to them - to hopefully convince them to change the subject - was that I wish I had every day trials again. They continued to testify of every day trials and I had to shut them down. I don't care that He can help with every day trials. My life doesn't fit in that box anymore. Testify of Him being able to help us through colossal trials - ones where there is NO light at the end - only death - and that isn't coming fast enough. Yes, I want to die. But NO - I won't be making that happen. Yes - I'm not making great life choices but when someone jokes about such and such killing me... it's not really an incentive to stop. I'm miserable and lonely.

Today I was helping R read a poem from her poetry notebook. As we were sounding out the word "now", I was brought back to teaching E how to sound out that word (not too many years ago). I taught the "ow" sound by playfully pinching her as a hands-on way to remember what that combo of letters said. I repeated the same with R and smiled - but inside, I was dying a bit more remembering E's laugh was gone.

I should not have to do this alone. I should not have to send 2 girls back to school in the morning instead of 3. Back to school time used to be fun. It's terrifying. Seeing all of the school supplies E used to beg me for at the store and knowing that now it's too late to give in and get them for her. She doesn't have a locker to decorate this year. No 5th grader this year. Only kids at 2 schools. Just me. Just me to make sure the girls make it on the bus, have a lunch made, have all their supplies and papers signed. Just me. I don't want to do this. I don't want them to have a school year where their dad isn't here to help them, help me. I don't want to.