Alone Until Eternity

Today I was helping R read a poem from her poetry notebook. As we were sounding out the word "now", I was brought back to teaching E how to sound out that word (not too many years ago). I taught the "ow" sound by playfully pinching her as a hands-on way to remember what that combo of letters said. I repeated the same with R and smiled - but inside, I was dying a bit more remembering E's laugh was gone.

I should not have to do this alone. I should not have to send 2 girls back to school in the morning instead of 3. Back to school time used to be fun. It's terrifying. Seeing all of the school supplies E used to beg me for at the store and knowing that now it's too late to give in and get them for her. She doesn't have a locker to decorate this year. No 5th grader this year. Only kids at 2 schools. Just me. Just me to make sure the girls make it on the bus, have a lunch made, have all their supplies and papers signed. Just me. I don't want to do this. I don't want them to have a school year where their dad isn't here to help them, help me. I don't want to.