The Sister Missionaries visited with us last week and were testifying that Heavenly Father can help us with the every day trials. My response to them - to hopefully convince them to change the subject - was that I wish I had every day trials again. They continued to testify of every day trials and I had to shut them down. I don't care that He can help with every day trials. My life doesn't fit in that box anymore. Testify of Him being able to help us through colossal trials - ones where there is NO light at the end - only death - and that isn't coming fast enough. Yes, I want to die. But NO - I won't be making that happen. Yes - I'm not making great life choices but when someone jokes about such and such killing me... it's not really an incentive to stop. I'm miserable and lonely.
Today started with a little more dread because I knew we would be tackling the car crash today. I really struggled today, as one might imagine I might. We spent most of the day just trying to desensitize me from the numbness I've built up over the past 4.5 years and allow me to feel feelings related to this again. I feel like we were lightly successful. I'm trying to be kind to myself. One of the cool things was that I imagined reaching out to a friend and then after a round checked my phone and found a text from them checking in at about the same time I'd imagined reaching out to them for help. <3 I came back to my room and collapsed for a nap and I'm waiting for dinner to be delivered. I might do laundry tonight, but I might wait until tomorrow. Oooohhhhh, such big things happening here. Haha! I've decided that it's important for me to share several articles from the crash as well as for me to review them again, so if you decide to look at them - here t...
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